“Real Men” Know How to Barbeque

Heads up – This piece uses the presumption that the person in question is a cisgender heterosexual male. I am aware that many of us do not fall on this end of the spectrum – and I want to acknowledge that there are many men in the world who have begun to step out of the traditional gender roles.

What real man doesn’t love the smell of a big slab of meat cooking over an open flame? … watching those mouth-watering T-bone’s and rib-eyes roasting to perfection with just the right amount of spices and slightly pink in the center, juice dripping into the flame. Whether it’s the 4^th of July BBQ, summer family get-togethers, tailgate parties, camping, or simply “special” dinners – men just can’t seem to get enough of the their own skills on the grill. Frequent self-accolades such as, “You gotta try my ribs!” or “This is my famous recipe!” are simply par for the course. 

I, however, have had quite enough – specifically, I’ve had enough of the obnoxious machismo attitude about barbequing; the competitive bravado; and every meat maniac’s belief that his is the best (insert slab of animal flesh) ever. However, these facets of “the barbeque ego” only scratch the surface of the real issue. In reality, the misogynistic barbeque Olympics is just an extension of toxic masculinity and our sexist belief in our own inherent supremacy. Moreover, the genderization of the barbeque further reinforces tokenized gender roles that unfairly force women to shoulder the burden of consistently preparing meals and taking care of the family.

While I must confess that I love fire and that I do get some primal satisfaction watching burger patties sizzle over an open flame, what bothers me is the testosterone-charged barbeque culture that has become embedded in American society. Barbequing is the one area of cooking that many men feel like “belongs to us.” More importantly, it seems to invoke a competitive nature to the art of cooking and makes it feel almost more like a sport. Why do so many of us care so much about what others think about our “meat”? While it is obviously an extension of the hunter and provider persona that goes back to our purported “cave-man” ancestry – there is more to it than that.

This meat-provider mentality has become a socially conditioned belief that we are somehow manlier because we know how to use a grill. In other words – “real men” know how to barbeque. Making hor d’oeuvres, preparing salads, baking casseroles – leave that work to women! We’d rather be gathered around a barbeque firing up our own egos by demonstrating our manly prowess with propane and an oversized spatula. When men don the cooking apron, many of us are typically nowhere near a stove or an oven – instead we are standing in front of an open flame with a sizzling hunk of meat at our command. Odd as it may sound, our insecurities around barbequing are also a reflection of our insecurities around our own masculinity.

The embedded gender-stereotype of barbecuing ability becomes an extension of us feeling like a more viable and attractive partner. We assume that most women want a man who not only brings home the meat, but also sears it to perfection. Unfortunately, for the men that actually buy into that sort of misogynist rhetoric – that is often one of the only things that we do know how to do when it comes to providing. Ask us to make lunch for the kids every day, bake brownies for the PTA meeting, change a diaper, or even learn to fold laundry – and many of us will likely retreat to our man-cave.

Our desire to remain comfortably in our “manly element,” rather then toiling away in the kitchen over a holiday meal that requires at least ten unique dishes, is a reflection of just how clueless many of us are about how much time and energy “real cooking” and providing actually takes. That’s right – I said it – real cooking (i.e. painstaking and consistent daily meal planning and preparation that has been done primarily by women for thousands of years). There is simply no excuse for men to absolve ourselves of carrying the mental burden of not only keeping the kitchen well stocked, but also having to continuously ensure that everyone else’s stomachs are full.

So my barbequing brethren, no, unfortunately your steak is not the best I’ve ever tasted. Maybe try toning down the bravado; let go of the need to prove your manliness, and let your “meat” speak for itself. More importantly though, the next time you want to brag about how amazing you are behind the grill – and have no interest in helping out in the kitchen – recognize that you are helping to perpetuate a systemically unfair distribution of labor that significantly impacts the empowerment of someone you claim to love and care about. And while you’re at it, how about giving a shout out to all of the women in your life who have worked overtime consistently feeding and taking care of you.